By Tsitsi Sandra Kwenda.
(News of The South) – Being a young married, educated and working woman, who strongly believes in the institution of marriage in this age where most marriages are failing, I happen to be a member of various social women groupings by association. These groupings I believe seek to build and inculcate values that will help women build lasting and happy marriages. Learning on these platforms is normally characterised by sharing of stories and providing support systems for each other.
Recently in one of the forums there was a discussion centering on what roles working women can delegate to their house help. While I am an employer who is not difficult and makes sure I do as much as possible in my home, one speaker after the other, pierced my heart with words that made me doubt whether I was a good wife and mother. According to the teachings a woman has to wake up in the wee hours to prepare for her husband, make breakfast and make sure that she finds her way to work all in good time. She is also expected to do her husband’s laundry and cook for her husband and ensure the husband comes back home to a well prepared meal, by her of course. It was like listening to the same speech on repeat from various speakers. Delegating some of the house tasks to the help was labelled sacrosanct and a recipe for disaster that will only lead to the husband cheating with the help.
I raised my hand and gave an example that I was a woman with an eight to five job and currently furthering my education at the same time, I am also a mother to a three year old girl, a wife, and a daughter in law and a whole lot more. I highlighted that in as much as I would want to do everything for my family in terms of the day to day house chores. I need just some time to rest. Everyone looked at me with an eye that screamed contempt. I have never felt so judged, misunderstood and inadequate in my whole life. The women surrounding me where sounding more equal than others in a case similar to the famous allegory Animal Farm.
It was only two young women who came to my rescue while everyone dismissed it as mere laziness and lack of proper planning. One elderly woman said, “Just five shirts and trousers is what you cannot do because of a mere job. Do not be shocked when your husband takes the maid who washes his clothes.” It was in that moment that my own occasionally muddied thoughts clarified: women spend so much time talking about the systemic prejudices against women, we never stop to question what role women play in upholding or further entrenching unfair rules for females.
Mainstream feminist scholarship attributes the dominance of patriarchal ideology in African society to the activities of men, while regarding women as innocent victims of patriarchal authority. Emphasising on this explanation is tantamount to blame all the economic breakdown in Zimbabwe to sanctions while disregarding factors like corruption, policy inconsistency and lack of political will to solve these problems. It is one thing to describe the many different aspects of women’s oppression in different societies, but quite another to be able to answer questions like: “What role do women play in further subjugating women? ”What is the basis of women’s oppression? In an attempt to at least partially answer this, it is useful to draw examples from famous literary pieces of work
One of Senegal’s greatest writers of all time Mariama Bâ in her book So Long a Letter, centres on the theme of subjugation of women by women. She, provides a critique of this standpoint, and examines the direct and indirect roles played by some women in the sustenance and perpetuation of patriarchal oppression. The focus is on elderly women who, often times, are so ignorant, selfish and manipulative that they make life hard for other women. Thus, she chooses to differ from conventional feminist writers, who generally emphasize ‘male-female’ relations of oppression as an ideal way of understanding male dominance and female subordination.’ It focuses on female to female’ relations mediated by age, generation, education, exposure, and experience, in order to understand the complexities of patriarchal oppression and to contribute to the debate on the nature of patriarchy and its role in the oppression of women in African societies.
It is women who hold a true position of power in how they shape female experiences. It is women who have most held me back, tried to oppress me, shun me, silence me or modify my womanhood. It is a woman who tried to shoot down my dreams of being a journalist, who apologised with the proviso that all they just wanted was to make sure I knew what my limits were. It is women who gather other women in circles to ring-fence male-centric rules; it is women who have a role in shaming other women for their behaviours, liberally calling them names.
It is women who have pulled me aside to ‘gently’ scold me for something I was wearing; for the nail polish. It is a woman who warned a room full of women of the sin of plucking eyebrows unless it is for the pleasure of a husband. It is women who abandon other women and leave them at the mercy of a male dominated society because they are confronted by anything outside of their personal experience. It is women who shush others who wish to speak out against domestic violence and abuse in the name of “Ndizvo zvinoita imba.”
When asked about patriarchy, I now profer a revised consideration: yes, we are dealing with systemic troubles and a history of oppression of women. But we generally spend more time with other women. We are for the most part raised by women. What we teach other females, what mothers tell their daughters, what images we choose to utilise for ourselves – all of these matter and contribute to the world we navigate as women. I suggest that as women we should join hands and use the power available to us if we are to overcome the challenges we all face.
Tsitsi is a Journalist, Public Relations and Communication specialist and a Certified Digital Marketer. For your views and comments email tkawenda@gmail. com or follow Tsitsi Sandra Kawenda on Linkedin. My twitter handle is @Tsitsi Kawenda
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