By Dr Masimba MAVAZA.
After the articleXsbb on this space last week I received a number of calls and emails. I responded to all the emails and my heart sank as I listened to horrible stories from a couple of abused men in the UK. I could not believe the stories I heard. This week with the permission of the victims I have selected two stories we will share.
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All the stories are very true. The names have been changed to protect the children involved in these narrations.
James Matambo from Northampton United Kingdom curses the day he left Zimbabwe for England.
Marvelous his wife had left Zimbabwe earlier for England. She left James with their two Children Tashongedzwa and Taremekedzwa. During the time James was in Zimbabwe Marvelous would send money monthly for the Children and their father. The money was more than the salary James was used to. Marvelous would always phone and promise James that soon and very soon they will be together in the Uk. Like every young couple going abroad is an achievement so James had to engage in prayers and fasting for this day to come.
After five years of prayer and fasting and spending a fortune of prophets and Papas James’ prayer was answered. He was finally going to be in England.
Within months everything was sorted he was in the United Kingdom. James was so overjoyed he was to make it in the foreign land. Within two weeks James got a job and everything seemed well. But there is always a relative calm before a storm.
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In his own words James said “I started noticing some problems at home. My wife became so sensitive to anything. Each time I would ask for my conjugal rights my wife would refuse. She became so violent and we started having fights. She would tell me to come home early. If I get home few minutes late my wife would make a scene” James shook his head and allowed his eyes to let out some warm tears which ran down his checks. James a domestic abuse survivor describes how he felt isolated from friends and family and felt like he was “going mad”.
“I was not allowed to bring friends to the House. Each time I would be reminded that I was in England because of her.”I had been working for just over three months. I did not drink at all. One day I got home thirty minutes late she got really mad at me and she called me a lot of names, and then pushed me against the wall. I got really scared but she slapped me twice.
Another night, she came with a Nigerian guy in the house. She told me he was a work mate. They sat for two hours. Then she told me she was accompanying him to the car. I peeped through the window and I saw them kissing. I went outside to confront the Nigerian guy but he said he would beat me up and he would go with my wife anytime. At first, I sort of laughed cause I thought he was joking, but then I realized he was serious and I got angry. I tried to push him away from my wife I told him to stop visiting her. I got back in the house confused and angry. My wife followed me in the house. She screamed on the top of her voice accusing me of having ruined her best chances of promotion at work. She told me she was going to have me deported. She slapped me twice on the face. I was so angry I wanted to eat her alife. But the fear of the police stopped me from reacting. She went upstairs shouting all the unprintable words. After about ten minutes I heard a knock at the door. When I went to open the door I saw two policemen standing at the doorway. They asked if I was James I confirmed I was James. Before I knew it I was already in handcuffs. The police took me to the police station. I was kept there for two days then I was released. The police told me to go and stay away from home. I knew no one in the UK. I had no one to call and I realised I was in trouble. The only option I had was to nag my manager if I could sleep in the guard room. I spent a week sleeping at my work place. I could not share my plight with any one. I was embarrassed to let anyone know that I am being bullied by a wife who was being unfaithful. 
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After seven days I was allowed to go back home. On arrival I saw the same Nigerian guy in my house without a shirt. This time I felt abnoxious, I wanted to puke. I frozen for a minute I summoned all my strength then I held the man by the collar. I wanted to squeeze him to death. Then my wife started screaming accusing me of being a lazy spoiled bastard. She hit me with a broom then I let go the man. While I was trying to calm my wife down I saw again the police arriving. I sat down. As the police entered the house my wife started crying saying that I hit her. I was dragged outside. Then bundled in a police car .
I was taken to the police station. To my surprise this time I was charged of raping my wife. What pained me most was that my wife’s boyfriend was the star witness. I was taken to court and was denied bail. I stayed six months in remand prison. Then the trial date was set.
During the trial it turned out my wife was lying and the boyfriend had moved on to another woman. He told the police that there was no rape on that day. I was a quitted.
I had to be taken to a temporary accommodation waiting for a council house. My wife put me in jail because she wanted time with her boyfriend. The dream I had for the UK is shattered. My plans are now in ruins. I am not allowed to see my children. My life is now a wreck. I am in so much pain the system in the UK favours women and the men are the punching bags.”
Every marriage has it’s ups and downs. But not all “downs” are going to go up again. Repeated periods of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, anger, frustration, hurt and disappointment, are unmistakable signs of a marriage in (serious) trouble, continued James. I am definitely goimg for a divorce and fight for my children.
“Cheating is unforgivable, right?
Your wife cheated. Your heart screams. Your ego shouts at you: Leave her! Leave her now! Punish her!
But you still love your unfaithful wife. You know it. And you’re helpless about it.
So you’re stuck.” Amos Shumba from Manchester said.
“When my wife finally admitted that she cheated on me I was so shocked that for a few long hours I couldn’t even speak.”
My best friend was sitting on our couch, looking like he’d been dragged on the pavement. He was the man cheating with my wife. I had always been suspecting but my wife would always convince me that it was only a friend of mine and she would never get that low to cheat on me. I will be going home very soon. Home to Zimbabwe I can not be able to stay here anymore. I have been abused and told to shut up or I will rot in prison”.
Matambanadzo George shared his story as follows :
“A few days ago I logged on to our laptop to check my mail and I saw that she left hers open. I noticed a lot of emails from one of her co-workers (whom I’ve met a few times before), which made me instantly suspicious.
To my utter shock and disbelief, I’ve discovered that they’ve been having an affair for more than a year.
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My wife cheated on me even in our own bed. She told me she would call the immigration on me if I tried to do anything.” Matambanadzo is now staying with friends away from the wife and kids.
Many men are suffering in silence because they are afraid to be deported if they stand up for their rights. According to Fox news, most cheating statistics show that about 50 – 60 percent of women admitted to having an affair in the UK. Most of these are foreigners who are overwhelmed by the new freedoms they get in the UK.
DR Herbert Kawadza a lecturer at Wits University South Africa said:
“But no matter if your wife “only” had a one-night thing or a 7-year affair with another man, the moment of discovery is the most shocking, painful and soul-crushing experience you’ve ever had in your life.
This crazy cocktail of rage, loneliness, devastation, jealousy, shock, insecurity and utter humiliation follows you 24/7 whereever you go.
How could she do this to you?”
Nevermind Chirongoma of Wales UK shared his thoughts:
“I saw the Signs but Never believed my wife could have sex with another man”
As we sat in our home with our friend, too shocked to respond, he continued:
“Deep inside I knew something was going on. My wife told me about her conversations with this guy but swore that he was just a friend and kept telling me that he’s also married.
I was obviously jealous, but she kept defending this “friendship” even though I’ve never been this angry with her in our entire relationship. She would remind me that I was in Zimbabwe for seven years and she remained faithful.
I had trusted her. Even though we had our problems, I thought that our connection was deeper than this. I thought my wife could never betray me like this.
One day I was supposed to go for a night duty. My shift was cancelled without my knowledge. I went to work only to find out the shift was cancelled. I headed straight home only to find my wife in bed with another man.
My world came crushing down when I walked in on them having sex on my bed. What pained me most was she called the police on me accusing me of being paranoid and jealous. The police detained me for the night. I came back home only to find my clothes strewn outside. I just picked my clothes and now and left. I now have my own house and I have no visa. She refused to renew my visa. I have applied and hope they will grant me the visa. Finding out about my wife’s cheating has thrown me into the deepest, darkest emotional hole of my entire life.
This is true even if my marriage had problems. Who doesn’t have problems? I thought.
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This is even truer if you always did your best to be a good husband. Always giving her love and attention, helping around the house and telling her how beautiful and special she was. I thought I had every reason to trust her but in my case I was wrong. I can not stay in England ever again.”
He continued this time he was really crying “After making me feel so stupid for believing her that nothing was going on, she is now groveling and begging for my forgiveness.
But all I can do is to keep thinking about them together. About him touching her, kissing her, sleeping with her. It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep yet”.
I think about it all the time. When I’m driving, when I’m working, when I’m trying to sleep. I’m obsessed”. He slipped his head in his waiting hands and started to weep uncontrollably.
Another man John Matemera from Hatfield England had a-different story to share “ She has hurt me as no one has ever hurt me before, but I know I still love her. I don’t want to lose her, and something “mysterious” keeps me from packing my bags and leaving right now.
The need for revenge is poking at me all along. Should I cheat on her too? That’ll show her!
But I am a smart guy and I know revenge will probably end my marriage for good.
I don’t know how to stop bleeding inside. I don’t know how to stop the haunting images. I don’t know how to recover and how to ever trust her again.
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In this complicated situation, when I can’t even think straight” he stood up and walked away. Imagining your wife with another man , you know, physically, is something all cheated men will do. And it will turn them crazy green with jealousy. It’s normal. The trick is not to get stuck with it for a year. Let her go. You will find another one.
Dr Martin Dhlamini advised that
“In a desperate attempt to avoid the humiliation and heart-break, you will try to “be a man about it” and minimize your feelings as much as possible.” He said.
“Tell your wife how this makes you feel, even if she tries to dismiss it, and tell her everything her cheating has made you feel, even if she insists that it didn’t mean anything and that she never loved him.
Tell her how much you’ve been hurt and that you need space and time to figure out how you’re going to handle this.”
The economic condition on the African continent makes men stay longer with abusive partners. Nowadays it’s not only the women who are abused the issue of changes on roles and economic power has made many me suffer in silence.
Some men are slaves of their wives salaries and visas. Many have committed suicide and some have murdered their wives.
Next week I will talk about divorce rate among Zimbabweans in The UK.
Vazet2000@yahoo.co.uk
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